WEEKLY WIT
A Benefit of Exercise
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Noel Coward
Telephones & Telepathy
If the 'phone doesn't ring ... it's me.
Jimmy Buffett
Religious Belief
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
Andrew W. Mathis
Intimacy
Fergus O'Rourke
in Life skills, Friendship
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My friends tell me that I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
Garry Shandling
Consolation
If at first you don't succeed ..... find out if the loser gets anything
Bill LyonUnanswerable
If it is the wrong number, why did you answer ?
James Thurber
Trust, but Verify
Broken promises don't upset me.... I just think, why did they believe me ?
Jack Handey
The Practical
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
Kurt Vonnegut
No Cigar
Fergus O'Rourke
in Americans, Ambition
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If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
Ted Turner
Unreciprocated Public Spirit
I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.
Anonymous
Of Losing
Fergus O'Rourke
in Life skills, Ambition
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Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
James Patrick Murray
Perspective is Everything
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling ? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Jack Handey
Horse Sense
Fergus O'Rourke
in Double entendre, Life skills
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
T5, Heathrow
It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.
Douglas Adams
A Full Life (not)
Fergus O'Rourke
in Double entendre, Americans
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Living in a vacuum sucks.
Adrienne E. Gusoff
Censor it Now !
Fergus O'Rourke
in Double entendre, Americans
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Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
Anonymous preview note for "The Wizard of Oz"
On Being a Godmother
Fergus O'Rourke
in Double entendre, Ambition
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She calls me god for short ... I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
Diets
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
Specialist Skills
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
Emo Philips
Wandering Animals Tip
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Jeffrey Bernard